I’ve noticed that round here, people seem to follow a very different highway code, that might perhaps confuse and scare the outsider, so here are some tips for those passing through the English Midlands this Bank Holiday Weekend.
1) When traversing a roundabout taking a right hand exit, be sure to position yourself in the left hand lane when entering the roundabout.
2) When driving be sure to drive up the middle so that you traverse the white dividing line. This avoids the many potholes and will extend the life of your suspension. This also allows any unexpected bus to undertake you.
3) Indicator usage is frowned upon. Their usage merely ruins the aesthetics of the vehicle. A crisp packet on the rear parcel shelf is an effective signal of your intentions.
4) When driving at night, be sure to use only your foglights. If your vehicle does not permit you to use foglights without some other forward lighting, be sure to only use sidelights.
5) If you do not have foglights, kick out one headlamp (preferably on the drivers side) to give the impression to other motorists that you are a motorcycle who is staying within the lane. This will help keep the other driver alert when he approaches and realises that you are both on a collision course.
6) When turning right into a T-Junction, be sure to cross into the lane of any waiting traffic. This encourages other drivers to stay back from the white line and prevent them nosing out into traffic.
7) Queuing is for wimps. Be sure to cut in at the last second!
8) Posted speed limits are minimum targets. If you fail to exceed this speed in the shortest possible time, you will be signaled by the neighbourhood traffic watch to get out of the way.
9) Ensure that you do not give way to vehicles on your right when entering a roundabout. Even if they’re on the roundabout.
10) Petrol Stations are starting to invest in ‘Pay at Pump’ technology. This device allows outsiders to pay for fuel using pins and chips. You have no purpose being there – queue for your fuel using the other two pumps such that you may pay the attendant using paper money. If this blocks the road, then so be it! Also ensure that you use the pump on the opposite side to your vehicles fuel tank such that you spray unused fuel all over the floor.